Going Blue

I like the posts here on the Barnabas Monkeypants blog to be all-ages. We don't want to offend our 8-, 9-, and 10-year-old readers now do we? But that's going to have to change a little for this post, so stop reading if you're faint of heart.

Okay?

This post is about urinating. You see, as any pregnant woman, former pregnant woman, or friend/relative/partner of a pregnant woman knows, bathroom breaks increase in frequency when you're knocked up. Kristen, on average, pees 45 to 50 thousand times a day. After leaving one bathroom, it's not a half hour until I hear the same reprise of "gotta go, gotta go, gotta go".

So, in her honor, I will now rank the various area bathrooms, taking into consideration both the number of visits (I, of course, am leaving off our house bathrooms and her work one, as that's just not fair to the rest of the field), its location, as well as quality (cleanliness, frequency of being out of order, etc).

1. Nordstrom at Old Orchard Mall. There are two "lounges" (as they like to call them) in this location, one on each floor. One of the reasons we go to this mall more frequently than any other is that two clean, relatively quiet bathrooms are always waiting for her.

2. Macy's at Old Orchard Mall. Situated smack dab in the middle of the mall (Nordstrom is at one end, while Bloomingdale's is at the other), the Macy's is a popular spot mostly because of its location. The bathroom is also right near the candy counter, so that's a bonus for me.

3. Target in Evanston. There's a strip mall on the border of Chicago and Evanston where we do our grocery shopping (at the Jewel). The other stores are an Office Max, a Best Buy, and the aforementioned Target. Kristen refuses to go to the bathroom at the Jewel. On two occasions she went, and both were accompanied by a very unhappy face when leaving. If the women's bathroom is anything like the men's, I don't blame her. She's tried the Best Buy a couple of times, but also was not so happy with it. Target seems to feature a) the most number of stalls and b) a cleaning crew that visits the bathroom more than monthly. I'm pushing for her to try the Office Max, but so far, she's said no.

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8. Borders in Evanston. Let me tell you a little story about bathrooms at Borders. (This specific one I have no complaint about. Not so terrible, not wonderful.) When Kristen and I met, we were both working at a Borders in Bridgewater, New Jersey. It was one of the top 5 or 6 busiest locations in the entire chain, and on Friday and Saturday nights, it was always really crowded. Crowded bookstore + coffee bar = bathroom mess. At the time we were there, Borders was going through a union problem, where several stores were trying to organize and the entire company was freaking out. As a manager, I was told to not have our booksellers do anything out of the ordinary or not in their job description. So, when a bathroom amiss occurred, it was up to the manager on duty (or doodie in this case) to remedy the situation. Oddly enough, the problems usually happened in the ladies' room. So, when a calamity was brought to our attention, I would have a female bookseller make sure the coast was clear, and I'd storm into the bathroom, face covered by a wad of paper towels, and try to do my best to make the situation bearable until the cleaning crew came the next morning. Only sometimes was I able to succeed. Good times, good times.

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17. Century Cinemas. We used to go to the movies all the time. Sometimes twice in a weekend. Whether it's because I've been gone a lot of weekends because of work or the lack of good movies coming out, we've cut down a lot. A year ago, this would've been in the top 10 easily. The biggest problem with movie bathrooms, though, is that after the movie's done, you have to be one of the first people out the door or you're going to be waiting in line, especially if it's a sold out movie. We've tried to help out this situation by a) going to the bathroom as soon as possible before the previews begin, b) not drinking anything during the movie, and c) sitting in an aisle seat so that as soon as the credits start to roll, Kristen can be up and out of her seat, shoving her purse at me as she runs out of the theater.

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33. Carson Pirie Scott at the Lincolnwood Mall. Do you see a trend here? Malls. Malls are a good place to get out, walk around, buy ever important onesies and ice cream cones, and never be too far away from a bathroom. The Lincolnwood Mall is the closest indoor mall to our place, but it is ... how do I put this nicely ... not that high class. It has a Kohl's (aka, the Saks Fifth Avenue of the K-Mart set), an Old Navy, and about 33 places that cater to 13-year-old girls. It also has a Carson's (where 80-year-old women can buy a polyester cardigan for hubby and a new flowered housedress for herself). It seems that the cleaning people in that particular Carson's have decided that a once-weekly delousing is enough.

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84. Food Court at the Lincolnwood Mall. You're in rural Louisiana. Off a dirt road, you notice a pile of dead opossums which likely have been rotting there for well over a week. Next to that pile is a dirt hole in which the local folk have been using to go to the bathroom seeing as how indoor plumbing still hasn't made its way to that neck of the woods. That would be 83 in our ranking. I'm warning you all. Stay very far away if you value your health.